What happened to me?

What happened to me?

2008-09-21    Lexlin

What happened to me?
I were ever very happy when i graduated from university, worked at my first company and got my payment every month. i ever knew and met some girl by internet. And even i remembered the first girl i met who is very friendly and lovely, we got together each weekend, went out for shopping, saw films and did some cooking. i felt very relax with her, but i didn't touch her finger. definitely we found we cannot lover each other.and lose contact with her when i left Suzhou. The other girl i remembered, i think it's a fault for me to meet her. i felt nervous when facing her and finally i got hurt from her. And not long time later i left Suzhou.
I am very worried about my future, so i have to decide go to work oversea for more technique. But when i went back after two year's living oversea, i found myself is a stranger in Suzhou. Though i know the streets and building which i should go when i need to go, i still lost myself in the city. My heart is empty and i feel like a skeleton when i walk in the street. Nothing can make excited or scare me. i don't know how to spend my spare time except working. i can stay at home and watched tv in the whole weekend except going out for dinner. the only way to go out for fun is playing basketball, but now Suzhou University's door is cloesd to the stranger, Certainly i was stranger there. so the only thing for fun outdoors:playing basketball is also closed to me.
i didn't really laugh for a long time. The rough working oversea certainly cannot make me laugh and now i found i was really old, but with nothing. Some years ago, my female classmate ever asked suggestion from me how to spend her spare time. i can told her to attend some association, do some sports, make her busy and also make more friends. But now i got the same situation with her. i hv several friends there, but i can only contact them for times. They got married, and didn't be like the alone me. i ask myself how is going on and what is the feeling? i don't know how to say and don't wanna say anything as well.
When i was young, i ever read the dream of the red chamber, the feeling was every girl is a angel. i saw my cousin-sisters, They are very beautiful, but finally they got not very good marriage. i thought they are so poor just like the ladies in the book. Till now i always thought girl is very pretty and holy. i feel very nervous when i meet one goodlook lady. i told myself all the lady are also persons, but the status seems never got changed.
When i will be bored to death, i leave my residence, just walk, go through the City Protecive River. Everthing is silent, Slim wind touch my face, it's so comfortable. sometimes some guys go fishing besides the river and some old ladies dance in the alcove. Just watching as a observer, i don't need to think anything there and really enjoy this.
I think i am the real houseman. Sometimes i play PC games, but found the games my notebook can play is just the very old one. And the games cannot make me such excited and interested as before. i don't wanna writing anything, so just stop.
This is just written to be read for myself. i also have no idea about what i am writing.